I haven't been able to write for some time. The reasons are many, but I'm immediately going to say that I haven't given up on my novel. On the contrary, it's the most important task I've been given (right after becoming a mother) so giving up is not even on the map. The story about Levithan will proceed, no matter if the steps are small.
To be completely honest I don't feel very well. There are so many things that I've gone through. Things I never managed to handle, things I wanted to repress, things I wanted to forget.. But I can't pretend anymore. To be able to be a good mother, as good mother as possible, I need to let go of everything that I'm carrying around. I want to give my daughter everything. And the most important thing; I want her to have a mother who is happy. I don't want her to have a mother marked by despair.
When I was 16 I did not want to live anymore. Every breath was painful and I did not feel like a human being, I felt just like an empty shell. A substitute of nothing. I decided to end my life in the hope of getting to a better place.
I found a good place. A place where it all would happen, quickly. Far out on a rock ledge in the woods with sharp rocks below. I leaned firmly and slowly, and I fell. My body twitched, and I thought I had died - for it beamed a supernatural heat through my body. But when I opened my eyes I realized that there were several feet left to the ground. When I turned my gaze up, I saw that my jacket got stuck in a branch. A robust branch, which was extremely similar to an arm with five long, perfect fingers that held a firm grip of the fabric.
And I cried.
I have never cried as much as I did then.
It felt as if Mother Nature herself had stretched out her hand to save me from the certain death I fell against. And it's the closest religious experience I have ever experienced - especially considering that I have always been a child of nature. Nature is my temple and my deity saved me.
Six months after that, I met Christoffer.
We have belonged to each other for eight years now.
We have a beautiful little daughter.
Now I know why she saved me.